Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Journey to CONFUSION

I can't seem to figure out what happened.

"Hi", I said.

"Hi", He replied

It was a cordial conversation as respect to ourselves and also to the one who had introduced us.

From a brief professional conversation to lengthier professional convos, till the tides turned our conversations to giggles and more personal conversations.

Then we met again, briefly, as a result of his subtle welcome.

He offered to buy me dinner and being me, I insisted on paying my bill.

I finally moved down and we hung out even more, he was the sweetest, the cutest, he was different from the guys I had liked in the past..his drive and confidence made him even sexier... I pulled myself away, refused to ask for favours even though I may have desperately needed it. I didn't want to fall, but I did. I fell so flat, I feel like I sunk.

We got closer, and at that point, I was certain we felt the same way but expressing myself in my mind is an abomination. I have never, and I refuse to make the first move, so I started to fight again. PULLLLING back, in ways I had devised as guaranteed solutions, all to no avail.

It's been ten months, and you won't believe it, I'm still at it.

I noticed he pulled away.
Unsure of if I chased him.

He didn't say a word.
I didn't say a word.
No one spoke, but his signals, and in some ways my signals are all jumbled up now, they hold no meaning and I'm more lost than when this all started.

I wake up with the same prayer everyday, "Lord, STOP IT! Take this feeling away, make my mind/heart free and clear..."

There are days when I get strength from nowhere, but there are days when I feel so weak, too weak to fight.

I'm done fighting...I keep telling myself.
I need to getaway, meet my new distration, but I know that wouldn't last.

A million thoughts racing back and forth, have got me all confused, I think...I think, it's best not to think!

H

10 CrushTHOTs:

Ema Leecious said...

Just let yourself go, but listen very closely to your heart. It will never lie to you.

Wish you luck dear!

lovelife4sale said...

Wow... whenever you write straight from the Heart, its always sooo expressive, & its soo powerful that it makes me soo jealous, that i wish i was the person who wrote it. (i dunno if you understand what i mean). anyways, good to have you back on Blogsville.

Blessing said...

Hmmm....*hugs*...we gotta let him know what's sup babes...that would eliminate the confusion...it's not necessarily chase him...it's for ur own good...hope u'll be fine soon boo. xoxo

cee said...

Lool @ I think...I think, it's best not to think! i feel this way often. Wish you luck in sorting out the confusion.

BSNC said...

I think you both need to talk first. That may help a little..

BBB said...

sweetheart, i think you need to tell him, thats always my position that whole dont mske the first move thing is crap because ud be there confused ud never know and it just hurts, better to know where you stand, make the first move, because you might have been throwing mixed signals so he pulled away, if yo make that first move, let him make the second, third, fourth and fifth, if he isnt fighting for you after you have given him a lifeline then you can move on
pele

H said...

@Ema, I donno what that means or I donno how to do that.

@LL4S. Aww..thanx. *blush* it's good to be back.

@Blessing, u've told me to do that before but...*sigh*

@cee, thx :)

@BSNC I know we need to talk but I just keep feeling like he shud bring it up...

@BBB, u make a good point about the 2nd/3rd/4th/5th move but I feel like if I said something it wud make me feel even worse if he doesn't feel the same and I keep telling myself he doesn't feel the same way so I can accept I can move on and then he pulls me close...

I donno...
soon, I'd gather up the courage and say, "Bros, enuff is enuff!!...ahhh!!"

doll said...

well, if he doesn't feel the same, then you can mover on.

Won't it be better than being in limbo

In the midst of her said...

Hmmm, call me old school but I don't think you should tell him point blank! When a woman is interested, she sends so many signals that even stevie wonder can see them. I'm sure you're signaling...I'm sure he can see them.... thats enough. if he can't step up to the plate, he's probably not that into you. Don't lose your dignity girl...*hugs*

Hugo Boss perfume said...

Such scene is familiar, as it always happens in romantic movies. :)

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