Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What He Did(n't) Do


It's been 3 months and I'm head over heels for this guy...I'm slowly losing it....gradually...slowly....

I've decided to drift away...reduce conversation, AVOID conversations, give one liners when UNneccesary, meet only if absolutely necessary.

A couple of days ago he came over and I heard him knock on the door but I pretended like there was no one home. I was sure he saw my car parked outside but I couldn't be bothered. I'm certain he cannot understand my behaviour, but I can so that's the way it's going to be...*hmmph***.

I have so much dignity, how is it even possible that I'm this madly in love with a guy. It is even eligible to be called madly in love? Anywaiz whateva this is, it's gotta go. I can't bear not knowing what this is, and I'm not prepared for a confrontation, it doesn't, never has, never will be something my character will accept as OKAY. NEVER!!!....

I'm not going to let this cute, kind, lovely, adorable guy change my rules!!

Yesterday, he checked up on my and I replied with the new style: ONE WORDS, very seldomly ONE LINERS. As he typed, I saw, "Mister is writing a message" several times with no message actually coming through, I could tell he was battling with what to say...

That touched me, cuz I started to feel bad...I mean here is someone who could be possibly head over heels for me and I'm treating him in a very confusing, unfriendly way because I can't put my feelings under control....*sigh*

Eventually, his words came through, "R U Ok?"

I replied, "yup"

That was the end!
Of course I was sad...infact whatever an even more expressive level of sadness is, is what I felt, but I knew there was no turning back. This is for MY own good. If he likes me, he should speak up and if not...then.....!!!!! *turns face to the side and sighs*

Last night, someone buzzed my apartment...quite late at night and I thought to myself, who is that person with no manners visiting at this time and most especially without a call?

It was him...
you can't possibly imagine the joy...the excitement that overwhelmed me

He came up, knocked on my door and I peeked just to double check....
He was so close to my peep hole, all I saw was his head. Thankfully I know that head. I opened up and let him in...

He came in with a little navy blue box and my favorite box of chocolates. We've never discussed my favourites, I couldn't tell how he knew. I asked what all this was for, all he said was open it.
I opened the box to see the most beautiful necklace ever. It was simple yet elegant.

After blushing, I quickly hid my emotions, closed the box and asked, "what's the occassion?"
He looked at me.
I turned my face away...
then he lifted my chin, stared me in the face and said...

I've watched you, spent time with you, refused to rush things and now I'm hoping we could attempt to make us work...

My heart started to beat so fast, I was nervous my blouse might have expressed the intensity. I tried calming myself down before I spoke because I didn't want him to know I had waited soo long for this...

Strangely at that point, I felt I needed more time to think because I wasn't expecting it.
After a few minutes of silence, I gathered up some courage and said.

Make what work? I'm working alright, are you broken?

We both laughed and he planted the bestest kiss ever on my lips. In that moment, my brain stopped working and my heart picked up pace....it was simply magical.

*****

Fiction or Non-Fiction?
You call it.

Time to get back to work.
I love you!
Muaaah!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Solitude


Aww, thx for all the hugs and positive feedback in my last post.

I have a lot to say but first of all, living alone ehn...chai...only God can keep one sane. Living alone makes your mind wander to places it really doesn't need to.

During the past week, I was alone in my apartment and the free cable I supposedly had disappeared just as I settled down to enjoy the evening...

then...

GHEN GHEN GHEN!!!!

To set the stage, I was sitting in the center of my living room facing the t.v, holding my phone in the dark. I buzzed my buddy as soon as my mind started wandering, just to get engaged and upbeat...but then I found myself just pouring my heart out.

In the midst of our convo, a few of my expressed thoughts were:

When would anyone treat me the way I've treated them?,
When would anyone love me the way I've loved them?
Would anyone really ever reciprocate?

This is not a pity-party post but this is just giving you an update of what had happened in my solitude, this past week. When I meet a guy I like, I've never been one to chase him but just treat him as I would treat anyone I care about till he makes a move. When he does express himself and if the feeling is mutual, I'd make sure I keep my man happy as best as I can, doing all I deem right to the best that I can.

I also went down memory lane to this past year. It was soo adventurous. This guy I spoke about in about 5 consecutive posts was pretty much almost perfect but with all the road blocks, it only made sense that two adults came to a sensible agreement to let it go. Every time I remember certain experiences, I tear up a bit. There was the most recent visit where he made me upset and really sad...although I was aware he was dating another girl since we weren't going to work, when I visited, I still felt uneasy which was odd....I expressed myself to him and we discussed it...at the end of the discussion, he said let's just enjoy ourselves...we're on holiday, stop thinking bout all of these things....bla bla bla....

Sha sha...I became sad, quieted down for a bit and then we started talking again. After having soo much fun that day, he sat me down on his lap and apologized for making me sad, it was the cutest thing ever. Every time I say this part, I always tear up...lol...I'm such a baby sometimes, I know. When I was leaving we said our final good bye...SADDEST THING ever, but I braced myself and I was tough.

*oh well, bye-bye to that, right?*

Recently, well u know wassup (with this new guy) so no need to reiterate, right?

In summary, I got a lil sad...just a tad...Not worried but just sad...

My aunt came to see me this week and we gisted about my "love life", in depth....she goes, "you really like this guy abi"...I said, "I can't even pretend or lie to you, I do o!"

....there was this funny part, she goes, "ha...look H, worst case scenario, you'd just say to him...I had a dream o!"" I laffed soo hard...it was almost embarrassing. (of course, it was just a joke. I wouldn't ever do that. If a guy can't pick me just like that, without me manipulating him then he's not worth me...)

*****

I had a dream today, before I decided to blog...it was the cutest dream ever...it had to do with the way he said he liked me...finally *wipes sweat off* He did it in actions and not in words, and usually I'd be upset if it was just a guy that liked me without reciprocal feelings did it...but this one was more delightful than anything.

Would love to share but...my gut tells me to sensor it.

Anywaiz, I've taken all your advice as well as my mum's/aunts and I'm treating them all as gold. I'm being good to myself and trying my hardest to ignore all growing feelings...

Have a lovely week.
I haven't had a physical hug in a long time, I feel deprived...lol except from people at work, it doesn't feel the same :(

Monday, September 19, 2011

In Due Time....


"In Due time..." were the words resounding from my mum and I's convo today. To be quite frank with you, our convo kinda freaked me out a tad.

Recently, I've had my feelings bounce about and I've been majorly concerned because I'm just not feeling another, "oops, wrong hit, try again next time". I'm in no hurry to settle down as I've stated countless times but, when I do have growing feelings, whether I feel ready or not doesn't control my feelings. I struggle to have my mind rule over my heart in that regard BUT again....there's just something about the heart that assumes soo much strength that brain calculations just cease to prevail.

As I spoke to my mum, she went through my past relationships, her past relationships, her mistakes, her prayers for her daughters, the reasons why she let me carry on with my ex even though she knew that wasn't my bus stop....e.t.c....e.t.c and I got scared.

I don't like getting scared.

I'm a very independently strong person and I can do things on my own, I don't necessarily need a man to survive BUT a man that is there is always a blessing. RIGHT?

At the same time, I have issues, I agree...anyone that is willing to assume my issues and take responsibility is double blessing, RIGHT?

RIGHT!!

Although all the above are true and very nice to have, how can you tell that you're not about to make the biggest mistake of your life? How do you know that these characters that Mr. X presents are all real and not a fake? The only way is to pray about these things and be patient, but I've been soo impatient lately, I donno why. I know I'm in no rush but at the same time, I'm just eager to find out what all the kindness is about but I will never be confrontational about it.


It's all confusing for me.

I know the solution to this though.

PATIENCE
PATIENCE
PATIENCE

Why can't I just be patient???

I'm going to be patient jo....ignore the feelings, just let the friendship take its course...if nothing happens, nothing happens *easier said than done* My aunty called me from Naij, because I just needed to talk about this...seems a little dramatic, you might think eh? but first this feels different. Secondly everyone has felt different from the last. Third, I don't want to fruitlessly date anyone...I shouldn't be scared to allow someone in...I know but I am.

*My mum says calm down and get to know him as a friend and don't rush anything so you don't regret it in the end* *sigh*

Gt get back to work.

Take care...looking forward to your awesome comments

(((hugs))) *I need a truck load of these*

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Heart Brakes



I can blog at worrrrk...wow
lol.

I didn't know I could. A friend of mine just mentioned that I try it...I was still thinking with my entry-level position mind set...lol...thank God for elevation o...God will elevate you as he has elevated me....Amen?

Amen

I got my business cards in today...and got my first sorta kinda creepy customer...in my office for longer than necessary...*sigh*

Anywaiz...

I've discovered this new part of my heart that I didn't ever assign a name to. I've observed it in the past but I haven't actually given much thot to it, till I've had to use it recently...more than ever.

You know when you have a car and with the millions of things in your car, you probably donno all the components but the steering wheel, gear, trunk, brakes accelerator till your car breaks down and the mechanic tells you, "oh looks like the shock towers"....Now you know you have shock towers...same with my heart brakes.

I've discovered I have heart brakes...

Remember how I mentioned that I've been quite reckless with myself in the past year? and I'm going to make a U-turn and be good to myself? well I'm doing that.
Don't get me wrong my recklesssness wasn't sleeping around with every Tom, Dick and Harry, it was just allowing interested guys to keep my mind intrigued till I got bored and chucked our relationship (allowing it to seem like such a bother and grave boredom) and in one case allowing my mind to believe that a guy I liked and I would work out, somehow...and going great lengths regardless of the CLEAR road blocks.

Anyways back to the point.
I think, I think, I sorta...*blushes*...*runs away* *comes back*...*speaks fast* have a crush on a guy *covers mouth*...*then covers both eyes..then peaks at you*.

...but the good news is that I keep hitting my heart brakes, so...."oh well"

"Ki lo de, tho?" Am I the only person that can crush....ah ahn...
With the brakes in motion, my heart seems to be over worked...*sigh*

To say the least, he's a pretty cool guy...ask Blessing. I'd gist y'all when next I have internet and if anything were to come out of it...well if I deem it fit mature for gisting purposes.

Gotta go, the bank is closed.
I stayed an extra hour to use the internet...haaa...God please provide for me o. I need a car.

Bye sweethearts


p.s: sorry bout the ugly car brake picture, that's all I found in short time.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Do!



Everyone is popping, "I do" all over the place, which is great but honestly, when a lady says "I do" or when the guy says "I do" what are they really doing to?

First off, it's a pretty big deal for a guy to settle down...for him to agree with himself that he has found, the one.  To be totally honest with you, I've wondered if there is anyone that would accept me just as I am, with all my faults, weaknesses but the realization that no one is perfect affirms the hope that there is someone out there searching for me, plus there's a woman for every man right? 

Guys are all about the partying, the lounging, the chilling, the laxing and dating...the commitment is a sign that a man has reached the age of maturity where he is confident that he is willing to be tied down to this ONE woman.

In this time while a woman waits, she's meant to be prepping herself right? Learning to cook, clean, care for her king....she should make herself so valuable that a man, her man cannot exist without her.  

Saying I do, should mean that both parties are ready...
When he/she is ready, I do should mean:

I do agree to love you through thick and thin
I do agree to provide for you all the days of your life
I do agree to satisfy all your needs in every way that I can
I do agree to express myself to you so that we can work through our short comings
I do agree to treat you as my King
I do agree to be your Queen
I do agree to try my hardest to make sure that all your concerns are addressed
I do agree to be that Proverbs 31 woman that makes you smile
I do agree to listen to you speak and give you the attention that you require
I do agree to be hardworking/driven/committed/God-Fearing
I do agree to support all reasonable aspirations 
I do agree that saying I do means I would learn to adjust to the things that would make us work over time....

*****

After I blogged yesterday, a new friend of mine spoke to me about attracting a King by being a Queen.  I'm aware that this has been said in so many ways but when he said this, it just sounded soo profound.  You attract what you want by who you are...so this wait that I'm waiting so, am I actually prepared to be worthy.
MAKES SENSE eh?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The MOVE!

My darlyns, long time eh?
I've been in the middle of moving/settling and pretty much outta internet connection for a while and I'm most likely to be internet-less for the next month. :(

Anywaiz, I have soooo much to say but sadly, I donno where to start and I've forgotten all the things I had intended on speaking about.

Recently, I've had a lot of nostalgia over one of the guys I've "flung" with...When Bruno Mars' Just the Way You Are comes on, I get all nostalgic...*sigh*

Moving on, I have big gist but it's still too premature to share...it's the same one I had promised to share soon enough months back, but we'd hold off on that a bit.  When it's mature enough, best be rest assured, I'd be sharing...

Last night, I had a minor breakdown, it was quite sad.  It started off with me cutting two of my fingers in an attempt to open up a can of tomato puree...then I spiraled into a million thoughts and became soo ashamed of myself. *covering face in embarrassment*

In the past year, I've been through several guys just to keep myself occupied and entertained.  For those of you who have followed my blog diligently, I'm almost certain you would remember when I had prayed for LNBB, Late Night Blackberry Bolding. ..I really just wanted to be kept company and I wasn't exactly looking to settle down.  As I went through the process, I realized, I didn't like that life much.  I really just wanted the right person to find me already....the process became quite gruelling and hurtful.  I of course was able to harden my heart a little over time, which is prolly the main benefit of the entire journey.

As you do know, this was the fruit of being "heartbroken" from my first relationship, with the certainty that I might never recover but moving on was vital.  I was even telling my friend, Happy Feet, "I thot the time would never come when I would get over my ex" and now I'm 100% over him.  Thank you LORD.

WOW!!!

To cut the long story short, I'm done fooling around...DONE DONE DONE....my prayer is that God brings the right person my way, but at the same time, I'm not feeling to settle down for another two, three years but I wouldn't mind meeting this person.  He can like to do and come sha o....ah ahn....I'm beginning to think he's not taking a boat anymore but actually walking....

#DEARGOD, why is he walking? :'(
 *****

Marriage is a pretty big deal and it's important to look beyond the wedding and prepare for the actual marriage.  A lady stops being a princess after the wedding and becomes the queen to her king.  At that point, she begins to serve her king and resumes one of the most important duties she would ever have....SERVICE TO HER KING.

I have no problem understanding that my husband is my king, infact I embrace the idea, I think a real wife understands what it means for her husband to be "OLOWO ORI MI" (the love of my life/ owner of my head).

As God, brings my King my way, may he bring yours your way...and for those who are married, I pray that your marriage would be enriched daily with love, peace and honor.

Bless!
#kisses

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