"I love you"

"I love you"

I'm guessing these are the hardest words to say.

I'm from a home where no one ever says I love you, not because my mum doesn't care or my dad really doesn't love me but because they just didn't grow up voicing such "deep, emotional" feelings. I love you is seemingly a commitment and a promise. It carries so much weight, no one carelessly just throws it around. You tell a girl you love her and she'd do more than she had ever planned to do for you. You tell your dad you love him and his driving down to show you how much he cares:

In high school, I called my mum and dad out of the realization of how thankful I ought to be for my parents and I said this all so tender, fragile, most emotional phrase ever, "I love you".

Out of panic, my dad was at my boarding house the next day. Ah ahn...ki lo de? (I was happy to see him, but driving down to another city out of panic was rather surprising). *Bear in mind I do not school, next door and I'm sure he had other commitments*

Dad: "H, are you ok?

Me: lol

...

This post isn't about my dad and I so...

I remember dating and hoping my bf would say, "I love you", lol, talk about a major big deal. It came once or twice and hardly ever again. Well it came in 5 valentine cards on our first valentine in so many ways, which was really cute but well...yea...

not much.

This takes me to when he wanted to express himself on how he felt about me for the very first time, even that was hard for him. I can't say I don't understand, but at the same time it was quite cheesy...lol...but it was the cutest thing ever.

So trust me, I played dumb. I acted like he hadn't been showing signs of how he felt and when he asked me if I was wondering why he was spending so much time with me, I double dumbed my attitude, lol.

In the end he writes on a transfer (a ticket to get on another bus)

"I L$K# Y()u"

or something along those symbols. He holds on to it then hands it to me and hops off the bus at his stop. I knew what it was but I didn't want to open it because I was too scared to get too mushy and ruin what we had going.

10 minutes into my own journey, I opened it and...my heart sank. I knew what we had was over.

I called my friend over in the states asking what I was to do now..bla bla...

2 weeks down the line, he had to ask me if i read it...because I pretended like it didn't happen...

even saying I like you is apparently quite a challenge. I bet I sound like it's easy peasy for me but it's not at all. I always want to say it to certain people but once it gets to my tonsils, it just hooks there and doesn't make way to my lips, not to talk of adding voice to it.

****

While we're on memory lane, Imma drop by one more mushy memory....:$

It was a month or two in and I hadn't said, "yes" to my ex, and I went away to California for a month, so skype and yahoo messenger was really all we had. Wait did we even have skype?

Anywaiz, he sends me this song.

I blushed so much, my cheeks went blue. I know this song like it's my daily bread.

Oh my, he was the cutest thing ever.

When I got back, I couldn't resist saying yes...it took several hours but I eventually gave in. His patience and actions had appealed to the softest part of me that I never knew existed.

Till date, I would blush unconsciously...

*****

I came across this poem just as I was about to blog and I thot it was worth sharing. It written by Femi. Feel free to stop by his page, I'm sure he'd love the traffic.

*****

Nanyt my darlyns, this Queen has got work bright and early.

I LOVE YOU!

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Drop a Line

Hiya,

There's this mini story that's being written by bloggers and other interested individuals on Gee's blog. Please feel free to drop by and drop a line, a paragraph or a chapter. The intro explains the rules of the "game" (story writing) at the bottom.

Enjoy!

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The Right Car

A week or two ago, I blogged about the value of a woman and waiting, in my post, "Let God Write your Love Story"

I recently came across this:

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism. - Elizabeth Gilbert

which in some very weird way describes me and my men..lol...my men!

Besides the very many, "what attracts me" that I've listed in several posts, I am attracted to potential like a magnet. The truth is I see so much potential but I'm not sure if I'm the one drawing pictures anymore because sometimes they don't even believe in themselves. Silly boys...*sigh*.

This is me:

*singing and hopping in the forest* "la di la la la di la la", and then I come across this beetle..."Chei, see moto"

*checking to see if it still works* I find a few screws, bolts, nuts....it all looks good, "I bet a quick check up, a few tweaks and a paint job would do the trick, heaven only knows why the owner left it here".

To give you a background on "me", I am broke and buying a car is prolly not happening anytime soon, so I settle for this "lost and found".

Smart???

NO!

This car would cost me insurance/gas and high service/maintenance fees on my very teeny pay check. A smart person, would save the peanuts, keep working, get a promotion and then afford a car that wouldn't need such high maintenance and servicing. A beat down car could end up costing more than a luxury car in the long run. Meanwhyl the silly thing has no A/C, stereo system/GPS...nooooothing...

Absolutely nothing to offer but a head ache and heart ache.

Seriously though, many of us put ourselves through unnecessary wahala. I think I'm worth a hawt smoking mercedes, so I'm fena chill, yo.

All the single ladies worth a Jaguar/Beema/Mercedes, drop a line!

putting H, the mechanic away for a very long time.

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Sunshine award

Yippee, I was tagged.

I would like to thank Atilola and Unveiling Gold for the sunshine award..."thanks a lot my darlyns, I really appreciate it".

You all should check out their blogs, if you're interested in any and everything, Atilola wouldn't disappoint and if you're like me and you like justified aproko, U.G, is awesome. While you're there, don't be afraid to hit their follow buttons. :)

I'm meant to forward this award to a few of my faves, so here we go:

Blessing: Best personal blog

Lovelife4sale: Only male blog I read, great personal poems

Atilola: Here, you're always in for a surprise, cause it could be about anything, and I mean absolutely anything.

U.G: GIST! GIST!! GIST!!!...lol

Doll: I never mind her long posts. From the onset, she keeps you hooked.

Sisi Yemmie: Looking for outright done right comedy, drop by....btw, her blog is one today, so wish her a HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY

Jay-Cee: Down to earth, very insightful spiritual content. Even a lay-man can understand the teaching. I'm never disappointed when I visit.

Myne: Best novel blog + I love the traffic on her blog. The comments are so many, it's fun to read through.

Kemi: Best newly married blog

BSNC: Also an awesome personal blog.

Dee O: best fashion blog.

In the midst of her: Her analogies and writing are always worth the read.

Laurenta: My newest read/blogger, hastily becoming a must read

Gee: My friend :), "Madam, we're still looking forward to writing that story o!"

and to all my other followers, this award also goes out to you, mentioned or not. I love you :)

Your comments bring sunshine to this blog, so you definitely deserve this. Go ahead and tag someone else.

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Let God write your love story!

Sooooooooo....

a whyl back, I think it was sometime this week, I read a post on Sisi's blog and I was urged to blog...but when I started, something came up and I had to leave.

To cut the long story short, I've been trying to blog for a whyl now and I'm either, too tired, too lazy or too busy. My mid-year resolution is to try and make my posts as short as possible because I find that when I do my blog rounds, it can be overwhelming to see extremely long posts...esp. with my burst of excitement, it bogs me down, quite a bit.

As you myt have suspected all the gist I had for you has pretty much reduced because I didn't say them as soon as they came.

*****

Sisi's post was rather upsetting...

ah ahn...ladies, don't you know your value? as in really?

We carry such favour, should walk with great dignity, understand that we are more than a useless piece of crap that a guy can use and toss whenever he feels.

Given, many of us myt have uselessed ourselves to a point where we think we are worth absolutely nothing but it is still no reason to keep the cycle of worthlessness going. The fact that you've done something or many things wrong in the past doesn't mean that you can't pick up your mess and toss it out...then start afresh. The original intent of a woman is to be a blessing to a man, to add value to him, to complement him, to be his helper, to be his thing or person of joy, of pride...not something he walks all over and then tosses out after one use because there are many others in line.

Forget there are too few men around, cock and bull, piece of crap story. Even if the men are slowly becoming extinct, yours would still be around.

A man that cannot look at you, displaying you to the world like you're his treasure is not worth you putting yourself out there for.

At the same time, there are guys who women walk all over...let's not discount the truth. Men are also made to feel like they are not worth the woman, so I would say this...If there is a man or woman that feels that you are lucky to have them, they best hit the road asap, cuz there is that person who would find you as a prize worth being flaunted to the public...and it would be a shame that when he or she comes around, you're busy galivanting with a riff-raff that thinks you're worth less than the cheapest thing he/she owns.

Get a clue!

Your value is beyond rubies/gold/diamonds.

Clean up yourself and be patient till you meet someone who looks you in the eye and says something as simple as "I LOVE YOU" and it sparks up every muscle/(everything sparkable) in your body. An "I love you" that carries soo much weight in actions, in gifts, in words, in expression...that's what you should wait for.

Against popular belief, the right one WILL come!

Mr. A's story would not be yours...stop looking at everyone else and comparing yourself to them.

Let God write your love story.

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Back-Track

Whoooah...seems like I've been away forever.
I finally was able to do my blog rounds and I'm pretty glad with the blogging influx. There have been quite a number of awesome reads. A few of my personal faves are from BSNC, Kemi, Doll (you should read part 1 of this post first to truly appreciate part 2) and of course, Sisi. Y'all should drop by...

I had originally intended on blogging when I did my blog rounds but because I was soo far back, I spent a couple of hours catching up, then fell asleep...and now finally I can blog...whew!!*wiping sweat off forehead*

*****

I have quite a mouthful but...I'm too tired to bore you..but I must blog!...today na today!

First of all..I would like to hear your thoughts on one or two issues...maybe it's just me...but...When a guy is approaching you, do you not kinda automatically tune your mind off after scanning (scoping)? Say, you're at a party gisting with a group of friends and all of a sudden your eye meets some guys eyes, do you not scope him in less than a second and know that nothing can ever happen even before that "supposed blink - eye contact" is up? Sometimes even less dramatic, say it's just a random, 'jolly jolly' walking your way...do u already know that there can be nothing more than a hello, hi?

Personally, I am not easily attracted to a person, until their personality has been expressed a little, but for most guys, 98.5% from a distance, every possible detective sense in me knows that our engagement would be meaningless on an emotional level.

Lemme drag a few stereotypes your way, cuz I know....*cough cough*...girls are the best at this...

Say this dude walks your way...he's interested and what not...I want to hear your thots...

My thots: Bobo yi o serious, pelu gbogbo yeri to ti gbe leti...(translation, this dude ain't serious, with these earrings on his ears?...his still growing up...NEXT!) *FULL POWER OFF! on mind and heart...unless...he is able to restore "electricity" with his most likely very deceptive charm...lol

My thots: Yea, yea, yea...I know most people like Reggie and all but pretend it's not Reggie, just a dude with mus-KULEs all over...hmm...I know that's a big sell for the ladies but I always feel these dudes are all about looks (sorta conceited in a way and they expect you to match up...to particular...bout appearance....) and don't get the heart well enough...plus, shey muskles wud put food on the table...my friend go and work, let's get some doe, yo...lol. There are some exceptions to this of course, again, personality wins the heart.

My thots: For many girls, a guy in a suit totally wins the cake...but...err...

Anywaiz, it's likely that this dude would at least get a conversation starting on good grounds or potential emotional attraction...sometimes they're usually the most boring of the lot...*yawn*

Most times though when a guy in a suit, properly tailored suit is walking your way u can just use style to leave the balcony of your heart open small, in a "let's see..." (esp. for girls who are tired of playing and fooling around). His suit usually would say, I'm getting my life together, I'm sorta gaining ground on where I want to be...sha, sha, e be like say this dude get correct sense, small...

My thots: These ones always confuse me somehow, somehow. They are the "life is a runway" typa guys...I donno, it's a we could be friends..."u seem nice from a distance"...lol.

My thots: This one just doesn't know what he wants. As he walks your way, you're already seeing NO!

I wanna hear ur thots on each pic...pweeez :)

*****

I just remembered a guy that I crushed on at some point in my life...immediately his picture popped into my head, I had already made our wedding website in my head...lol

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When you bump into your exes' new girl and you're still tryna get over him completely, what do you do with yourself?

p.s: I find the only solution to be, "say a prayer"....esp. since you've (speaking about me in the 3rd person) been blogging about overcoming the feelings for the past God knows how long.

To make the very long story short. I bumped into my exes girl, everyday of the weekend, I told y'all I was going away for. Just after the crisis of my previous post...(now I don't remember if I gave u the entire 411 of the foregoing Thursday)...but yea...

At the end of the trip. I got to work on Monday afternoon, locked myself in the washroom and hoped and prayed that the tears I held back for the preceding 2 months would be done then...because I cried like a big baby...kinda shocking and unexpected but my heart was soo heavy, and then I couldn't breathe, got my eyes all blood shot red and faked cover-up with my glasses...lol.

Anywaiiizzzz....I guess, I lied to you, my post on the last tear, wasn't exactly the last, but I'm hoping I can throw away the ashes and stop holding on to the urn of a broken heart.

*****

DEBATE QUESTION

If you have a crush on a guy and he's being very nice to you, maybe even extra nice...but you're not sure he has a girlfriend and everything is moving in a professional level, do you play dumb and act very cordial and clear-cut or do you go ahead to question his motives or actions?

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Isale-Eko

So the title is called Isale-Eko cuz I felt like...lol...

but I'm forcing to make sense by force. "Isale-Eko" here would mean the koko of the matter....

now walk with me....

The day started off real good till a friend of mine decided to say my exes name, I was doing pretty good before then. Atilola, jo ma crucify me...lol...I tried to not think a lot or get affected because of what you said in the comment section of a related post, but this just pinched me today....*covering face in shame*

At that very moment I was quiet for a bit and in my mind I brushed it off. On my way out, I had some thoughts running through my mind and for some reason, He came back into my head and I felt the need to seek closure, cuz this just getting ridiculous...Oga no dey pay rent, yet he is dwelling in my mind and kinda heart, like he owns the darn place....

Sha sha...I kept on moving but I'm guessing I saw a car similar to his and that successfully sustained the thoughts. My eyes started getting heavy, so I called my mum and gave her a dload of what had happened this year. She usually knows the 411 but I refused to tell her what and how he had made me feel this year, because I doubt they would ever be friends again. Although my mum is quite the objectively diplomatic kind, being her daughter and all....sum'n would trigger a bit of dislike for him as "my boyfriend".

To say this least, he treated me the worst, this year and if you've been following me, you would remember the days I cried on y'all shoulders....or the day I came home wailing on 'happyfeets'shoulder like a big baby. If I say more, I might create a picture of him, that I would later regret. He's a great guy and all but I wasn't his.

So back to the call to mama...

She pretty much told me it's normal and being the first, the feeling may last for a very long time, till someone else can fill it in. She mentioned my search for closure is an emotional thing, more fleshy than anything else, because I may not get it. To cut the long story short, I might want to commit it to prayers, but what I'm going through is normal and it would take making effort to trash the feelings....

I was still sad but better because I still had the foolish lingering feelings...it makes me mad, cuz as if liking someone that doesn't like you enuff isn't bad enuff...dude still has a part of me, esp. since I haven't found a worthy OFFICIAL replacement...

Well well, I called my "big brother" to voice my pain...or rather he called me when he found out I was about to cry. Told him everything, as trust guys now...he forgot why we broke up again. Now this is what got me...

"H, you need to wait for a guy that would love you, then need you...not love you because he needs you".

Those words came to me so profound...Along with many other action plans, I had already implemented, since I had been taking it seriously anyway....Atilola, shey u're hearing oh...I was taking it serious...lol...I think you should come over to stay here with me so you can slap the craze out of me forever...lol

*****

One more thing before I go to bed, I do not, DO NOT like guys who flirt with anything in a skirt. I can't trust them. They'd be carrying about the useless jargon they just told some girl and whispering it to other girls. At the end of the night everyone is feeling special and some vulnerable...It's so disrespectful. Even if a guy is single, if he's flirting, he should flirt with the girl he likes, not every girl. It's so mannerless and immature. At twenty plus, you should know how to act and where. If it's a thing of fun as a cordial relationship with friends, that doesn't count but with a gorgeous stranger...its like, "hey DOG, stop drooling!" With a guy like that can one really even trust him when he has a girlfriend?

Treat every girl with respect, but don't raise every girls hair when you walk past just because of all the "dust yarning" you have at your disposal. If the girl placed value on your empty words, she ends up feeling betrayed. So unattractive and indecisive. It's funny we're still buying charm though. ref: "unprecious" charm

When I got home, I started singing this song out of the blue. I prolly haven't heard it since the year it came out, the year, I boogied to any song with good rhythm and melody.

....soooo....I decided to look for the video on youtube, since the part I kept repeating was, "our love, it don't get no better..."

It sounded like it was about a guy who knew what his woman meant, only to watch it and then realize it's actually a guy who wouldn't treat his girl right in the long run because, he didn't even know her, he only knew her body...so much for "it not getting any better"....oni ranu!...the girl too was bz feeling very special, when a guy like that is just ruled by agro. No offence to any guy reading this but lets be frank, a womans body tunes off some guys heads, completely, its like they cease to think.

He later, wanted to do it and once they were done he'd respect her if she respects herself....SURE!

I've got a mouthful but lemme call it a night...I've got work bright and early and I'm away for the weekend.

Ciao darlyns....Sweet Dreams

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Introspection

Oddly, I thought today was a Friday.

Somedays I wake up, thinking:

Let me be your wife, I would love you, cherish you.

Let me birth your kids, we can make it all work

Allow me be the one your heart longs for, I swear I'd reciprocate

If you're about to fall flat, I want to be there to pull you up and tell you, "it is well"

Lemme be the only woman your eyes are attracted to

The only one that brings that peace that everyone so desires

I want to be that one you call your world and mean it

You be the man that hands me the world on a platter of gold because you think I deserve no less

You be the man that seeks to be the reason I smile

You be the man that reminds me that this world is an aimless routine w/o God in the picture

You be the reason for my perseverance, personified

You be the man that embodies love without words

You be that man that encourages me, motivates me, leads me

You be my "Olowo ori mi"

and my thoughts continue till I'm fully awake...

Am I alright?

*****

Pardon me to say, I received a fresh revelation of how great God is....whoooaaah....It came to me while I was walking by the cemetry and prison yard...lol. Ask no questions! (its quite hilarious that the prison is near the cemetry tho, but I guess it saves money and time to bury those who are given life sentences...I bet my bottom dollar, the best Economists were employed in that area). Sometimes we hear things over and over again but it makes no sense or infact carries no value till the understanding hits you. I'm a firm believer in the fact that knowledge comes to people at its own pace, in its own time with a certain appropriate perspective. I'm not sure if that makes sense but yea...

Very few things happened around me when I realized, but at the same time those things carried so much weight. Amongst them was seeing a burial ground of almost a thousand tombstones, all in different forms, shapes, sizes and colors and thinking to myself how short life is and how we take it sooo seriously...meanwhile God has ordained what would happen, how it would happen e.t.c. He knows our thoughts even before we think it. It's funny how we're rushing to the grocery store to get milk because the milk for the cat is done or in a haste to the laundromat or....a long list of one million things that to us seem so necessary, which in reality are just routine...It's like God holds this massive monopoly board and He's just sitting there playing. (It's amazing how many millions of people he's in essence buying houses for, building hotels, sending to jail - #monopolyLingo)

Scientists speak of the big bang which funny enough is how the world was created biblically, OUT OF NOTHING...just mere #faith-filledCommanding words...

*****

I used to think that I was the only one who thought that guys take a long time to mature relative to girls. A 20 year old girl is as mature as a 24 year old guy. This has popped into various random conversations with friends, but today I was with a friend who got married about 2, 3 years ago and we for some reason went over the age gap between her and her hubby. They are ten years apart but you wouldn't know. They blend together so well. It's beautiful. She asked me what I would like and even though I know guys mature slowly, I want to end up with a guy 2/3 years older, 5 years tops. I just can't be explaining my jokes to an old guy or...lets just say I've had sum'n with an older guy b4...it never developed tho...I'm going to get one of the few that mature quick...yay optimism...lol. I gisted her about all our other college friends who are getting married within the year and it's amazing how many girls are ending up with much older guys.

At some point she asked me if a guy who had his head together, and is settled came along, "would I get married this year?"....'EN' 'OH'...NO!...I'm just not ready for another 3 years. Plus my dad is still on his Ph.D steez...lol...I'm fena leave my luvly dad in his lil dream world. Although last Christmas he sat me down, telling me not to chase guys away...lol...I remember when he tried to ask me if I had, had sex and what to do...bla bla...he was too cute, I had to help him out b4 he had a heart attack...(by replying before he could finish).

*****

Here's one of my Asa faves for you:

Btw, something really awesome happened to me today, I can't wait to share it with you when my testimony is full. I wuv you....

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Throwback Just a Tad Bit

Goodmorning my darlyns,

I trust Monday wasn't so bad. I've been up since 6 and I must say it's been worth it. I was just doing my blog rounds and I've spotted that the blog awards are this month. I have never been a part of it, well esp since I'm only a year in but it looks fun. I've put in my votes and I hope all my nominees get the recognition they deserve.

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A few unattractives re: guys

the boastful kinds: "I got so much money", na money pesin go chop?

the unkempt dudes: scruffy, very terrible dress sense and unwilling to change. This is prolly a pet-peeve but I absolutely hate guys in jogging bottoms who have it pulled so high up that their bum is....infact lemme just end my description there....bad breath falls in line, as well as full hair. Guys should always have their hair cut and beards/moustaches frictioned...#personal preference

Lazy guys......oh my gawwwsh....it irks me...esp, when the guy is fyne, clean etc. Laziness is a terrible thing. I'm like dude, if now that u're single u can't keep urself together, wud u eva be bothered to take care of a family?

The weirdest thing is that as much as beauty is the ultimate attraction and personality very highly the sustainer, I find that I tend to get attracted by personality first before I even notice what the person looks like.

*****

Two must reads: Her Mother's Hope and Daughters Dream. I haven't moved on to Daughter's Dream yet but Her Mother's Hope makes me so close to tears with every chapter, sometimes every page, that I'm sure the part II would most likely be as good.

And I would mention again, if you haven't read Redeeming Love, I would suggest picking it up sometime this week, it's lovely! They're all written by Francine Rivers.

*****

And now on to the point of this post in the first place...lol...I amaze myself at the extent to which I ramble....wow!

I just wanted to share a few old skool videos with y'all.

So remember Dilemma? If you don't, haaa.....infact, u missed out. I remember the constant questioning so are Nelly and Kelly dating? and for some reason, everyone got all mushy when this song played. Who didn't know the lyrics? even those who hadn't seen the video or heard the song personally, knew the lyrics...

My oh my...this song gave goosebumps all over...lol...

Now that I "re-listen" to it I hadn't had my first kiss then oh, but me too...I was busy jamming along with the lyrics...Heck, I hadn't even had "a boo" then. I remember talking to one of my guy friends about how I hang out with everyone and chill more with guys, that I'd never be anyone's girlfriend....(wow, who knew?). It wasn't a thing of pity, I just wasn't interested and although I could crush for Africa, I just wasn't ready to date. In my last year of high school, I finally found out the number of boys who had crushed on me but just couldn't ever say it cuz they didn't know how I'd take it. They assumed I'd give them "ela" which is what we called embarrassment in my days....hahaha...check me sounding all "in my days"...lol. They were kinda right tho, I just wanted to be friends. Anywaiz, thinking about my first kiss...lol...infact, lemme keep that private for now. #shyface

Ooohm...ohhhmm ooohm...this was my song, yo...I sang it like it was my daily bread...lol...wow.

Lol, this song made me feel like a stepper...I donno why and I can't bust a move oh. You myt see me move my waist and tick-tock or douggie and think, "I bet if this girl starts dancing, she'd take home first prize"....hahaha....na seeerious lie. That's the true definition of false impression, right there. In my first year, at some party, at some point people were screaming my name, dance! dance...lol...I stalled for a hawt minute and when the plea didn't die down, I decided to bust a move...hahaha...if I ever thot there was no God that day would have been my year of divine deliverance...I moved my feet like, hmm...yall just wait till I leave ur mouths ajar #pleasantlysurprised...and after that I think someone tripped over the wires to the sound system and the music stopped...I thank God, cuz, I didn't know what my next step wuda been and I wuda been disgraced FOREVER....esp wiv the type of friends I have, I would never hear the last of it...lol

Some may call me razz, but truthfully that's an overstatement. I'm almost certain, it myt be a compliment...lol. I donno Nigerian artists by name, except Banky W, Waje, Omawunmi, M.I, Asa, Wizkid, and my latest addition, Mo Hits (incl. D'Banj and Don Jazzy...donno who the rest of the clan are), but I can tell you one thing...I looooove this song....

Ok, lemme start some movement on this end...my day wouldn't take care of itself...

Ciao me luvs...

Oh btw, I want to learn Spanish soo bad...I think it's more romantic than French. (NOT that I want to speak it to my hubby (my corazon..haha..the #irony) o...that'll just be extremely cheesy, but I like it)

#kisses.

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My Messy Mistake

lol...I'm back again, blogging like its my first time...terrible "new toy syndrome"

This would be a quickie, cuz I have work in the A.M and it's already past 1AM, but I just needed to voice a few things esp. since I'm working all weekend and probably wouldn't have the time or remember.

I did something I shouldn't have done and I only accepted that I was wrong/ashamed about 2 hours ago but the beauty of it is that I've been able to realize it/confess it and move on. I actually do feel a lot better even though, the more I ponder, I regret. I hope sooner than later, I would be able to forgive myself.

I was so close to the edge of the cliff, about to jump but thankfully He didn't let me....sincerely GOD JUST DIDN'T LET ME. The story would have been different now and although I mention forgiving myself someday, I can almost swear that forgiving myself would not be plausible because of how impossible it would be. I came here to say "thank GOD"....goodnight, sweethearts.

p.s I hope that whenever you are faced with the worst of the worst, you would remember that God is there for you and if you don't believe that there is a God or that he even has any powers whatsoever, at your weakest point when you've lost all hope, I pray that you would give him a genuine chance and let Him do only what He alone can. Someday when I am bold so truly be naked (not invisible) before a large crowd, I pray I would be able to utter my messy mistakes as a testimony and a witness that we all fall but we would rise again....Prov. 24:16

My foolish mistakes judge me but I allow them persist as a reminder of who I was, not who I am.

*****

I spent a few minutes battling with the thoughts of differentiation in my head. Do I miss my ex or do I miss the idea of him? I wasn't day dreaming or anything before this popped into my head because I'm training to put my emotions on a long summer vacay...what happened was that I bumped into him and all the goodness rushed back like a flood of butterflies and a plague of goosebumps.

Are you wondering what my conclusion was? cuz I donno, I couldn't decide so I stopped thinking about it all together and I hope I wouldn't need to revisit the issue because it does absolutely no good for my emotional gym. It's like every time I lose 10 pounds of my past emotional bliss, I get into a mode where I gain 20 pounds of all that gooeyness and I have to spend longer time "working out". To be fair, my ex was a really good guy but he just wasn't ready to love me when I couldn't stop loving him...so...

btw, bumping into your ex, is on the list of the baddest ideas of all bad ideas...esp. when you're tryna pick all your pieces up and right all your wrongs...

*****

When like/love or whatever we're calling it these days seems like a transaction, it's a sign to stop dealing. If there are any negotiations, ridiculous compromises, it would never be worth it.

Ok, goodnight for real, for real...lol

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...along the way...

Hiya my darlyns,

I haven't been feeling too well recently, but God has given me strength, I've lost quite a lot of blood but I would be perfectly alright...yippee.

Anywaiz...I'd like to share a few of my random recurring thoughts with my blogsville besties. I might display a bit of my nakedness before you but what the heck, I'm in the mood.

I'm finding that I have become quite vulnerable and my vulnerability is as a result of the fact that in my adulthood, I haven't ever truly lived "the single life". Yes, I've dated just once but it was a rather in depth serious relationship, after which I haven't exactly had a break from guys. When I say a break, I mean a clear cut, there's no guy that's talking to me. I may not have liked them in return but the chase sort of reduced my singlehood in a weird sense. makes sense??

oh well...I'm battling vulnerability right now, so Imma need y'all to stand by me while I try to embrace riding solo f'real. I had this caucasian dude who I thought I had dodged 2ce eventually nab me to gist me about his money making schemes today. I really wonder if he thinks because of his money, my love would be blind. I was so bored out of my mind, I felt soo rude after the 10th hmm, there was nothing to say and everything that came to my mind as a reply was in some form of broken English...lol. I almost said "eeya"...but I withheld because I really didn't feel so sorry cuz he was beginning to smother me. I'm usually quite tolerant but I wasn't even finding his gist funny anymore...

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I've realized that I hate it when girls are rude to their guys...actually both ways, it's extremely unloving. Where's the respect these days? the mere fact that we might see ourselves as equals does not permit disrespect. Agreed, a woman has her value, her place, her entitlement, but maturity dictates the way we show our entitlement. Rudeness should never be a way of showing who's boss. Not once, I doubt 2ce have I been told that women truly control the home if they know how to appease a mans ego. If you make a man feel like he's the boss or he made the decision, a whole lotta things could be avoided.

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Whispering sweet nothings....

So he's telling me all the things I want to hear but not one day in my life have I seen any action. I give him all he wants because he's made me feel soo good about myself. He's satisfied with what he's gotten and at the end of the night or the beginning of the morning, I'm wondering where my benefits are...there's only one mumu here and it just so happens to be me. The foolishness of allowing him nail my soft spots, with empty words...

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I spoke about nasty habits a wyl back, in 2k10 but watching closely brings a whole lot more to light. I mean seriously think about it. The chase, the hunt, the follow-through, y'all get married, get comfortable, have kids and begin the journey of growing old together. You are together for life...on this together for life steez now, both of your nasty habits begin to unfold, the ones in the washroom oh, those in bed, those just brushing your teeth, sneezing, scratching, whatever it is that is nasty you would need to learn to embrace. Say he gets some form of pox that leaves bumps all over his face, forever..thereby creating a morph of what you married. It is important to understand that your wife/hubby would not look like how you met her forever, she could even lose her memory or go blind but God forbid, He would keep us all in good health till death but somethings are inevitable that love must definitely play a part in "I do"

*****

Debate Question

S.E.X

Does sex still mean anything to anyone these days?

Some people are lucky to get a solid 10 mins of pure satisfaction but after that, then what? Was the 10 min transaction really worth it?

*****

If I might say, all that is written on this blog is my belief, how I feel at a point in my life. It's all truth. Many times I fall, I'm so imperfect, but each day, I'm tryna correct my faults and I can't do it on my own, I realize that. For every mistake, I've made, I want to believe that there has been a lesson learnt and I have been able to stand up again and pick up the pieces, thank God. I'd like to use this opportunity to thank all those who have stood by me, encouraged me, prayed for me when you saw me fall and shatter. You may not realize your impact but I come back because you've been a blessing. They say a companion of fools shall be destroyed, clearly, there is no fool here. Your blogs, your comments, your presence are encouraging. God bless.

I pray that you may be blessed/uplifted/encouraged even more than you have blessed me.

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