Wednesday, April 20, 2011

...the last tear


[First of all this babe is just yarning her own. I'm healed jo. Whish kine my broken heart of mine never heal. God forbid!. Well I thot I'd never heal, but apparently broken hearts do heal. Thank God. Yea, when I said it was over he didn't beg but oh well...life goes on (I like the way I can sharp my mouth now...haaalllleeeluyah...lol.)]

Hiya my luvies,

I've been away for a hawt minute....whoooah
Just finished my blog rounds and although I originally planned to head back to catching up on my tv shows, here I am.

I figured I'd give a brief d-load of my 20 sum'n years luv life...
why? cuz I'm in the mood....lol

Ok, no...cuz sum'n happened to me last week and although I want to share it in detail, I can't because although this is a "safe haven", I shouldn't just blurt it all out.

I was born in the 80's.
Right from birth, I can almost swear that I was born a crusher. I crushed like it was in vogue. Maybe I'm exaggerating just a teeny weeny bit.

In primary skool, I had a few guys I crushed on, well in the last few grades, (4 and 6 - cuz I skipped 5). At the time, I hadn't realized they were crushes, I sincerely couldn't place the feelings but I hung out like nothing was up. In these two grades, I think I crushed on bout 4 guys...but again, in my defense, it's null and void cuz I didn't even know they were crushes, as far as I was concerned we were just good 'ol buddy buddies...

In high school, for every grade, I successfully crushed on one guy per grade, well except for grades 11 and 12, where the same guy prevailed both grades...lol.

In grade 10, an old friend mentioned to me that I had crushed on this one guy in grade skool. I denied it like I woulda gone to jail if I confessed. Again, in my defense I didn't even know it was a crush apparently, this babe had been scoping my supposed love crush life. hmmph!

Enuff about my early life...lol (sounds like a boring English novel)
Last week, I decided to sit and take account of my love life. Yes, I put myself in awkward query moments for no good reason...maybe not exactly, no good reason....

Again a brief run down...
In the past 6 years, I've liked 3 guys. The first, was a big jerk. We're friends now but he was and probably still is a jerk, we liked each other, it was fun and all luvy duvy (*sigh*, the dumb 'ol days). If we could twirl and smile at each other while looking into our eyes like the cliche romantic movies, we probably would have.

but...for some odd reason, he changed. He ignored me everytime I tried to reach him, in short sha, he was such a waste of time/effort.

Boy 2, who was my bf, the first ever, the one, the only...in the end treated me worse than the first after his claim - "I LOVE YOU", hmm...see dis kine love o. It was just this new year, he had re-proclaimed his love and now, he....

Remember this post, where I cried my eyes out? yea, it was cuz of him. I can't believe I still let him do that to me. I prolly would never be able to hate him like I think he's desperately seeking from me, but I can almost say after last week of pleading for closure, I'm done. No more!

Ah ahn...it's almost 3 years and I haven't been able to say "I'm over him" for sure, for sure. Now I'm certain that last Saturday, I shed my last tear. The way he looked at me, OH MY...you would think...infact, sometimes somethings are better left unsaid but he hurt me more than he ever had before.

My friends say, "let it go", but me and all my over-caring too much naa...I carried myself to seek closure. Surprisingly I got it, but in a painful way.

For dramatic blogging, I should give examples of what he said, but decency and loyalty wouldn't let me. The fact that he no longer cares, doesn't mean I shouldn't care anymore but in many ways it means, we should part ways as he mentioned last week...

...My chain cut and I tossed it aside, I couldn't be bothered to figure out what to do with it. Its done, its over...

My response: so I'm like your chain now...

There's more to the story but...

There are other stories, other guys but my real concern is, "why do I care so much about guys who don't care" and "why don't I care deeply for guys who care so much about me?"

Moving on....
Last week I severed several ties, because I was developing a very blurry picture and if I'm riding solo, lemme ride solo...all the confusion was just getting in the way. Yes, a few tears were shed, here and there but we can't avoid necessity.

******

Now I'm waiting on the guy who feels the way I feel about him and stronger.
The one who wants to make us a big deal.
The one who doesn't force me to tread carefully around him.
The one who is patient with me.
The one who wants to walk with me even when it's tough.
The one who checks up on me everyday because, I'm on his mind.
The one who doesn't use the word, "love" loosely.
The one who keeps me smiling/one who doesn't just PLASTER a smile on my face but ensures its from within.
The one whose smile is mostly because of me.

......


And years down the line...
we'd still be in love, living like we just met...keeping it all together...not as a front because that's just wot it is...it's for real!


Patience has to be the key.
Whilst in the wait...enjoy the ride and if you tell no one the truth, tell urself the truth and if you can't be true to urself, get friends who can be true to you...this has helped me a whole lot.

If Pinkie, never slapped me into reality, I would prolly still be in sinking sand and smiling.
Truth: Sometimes we don't see as clearly as we ought to.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Happy Birthday - One year Blogiversary

Happppppppy Birthday to crushthots....wooohooo!

I was meant to have a giveaway but no one seemed to be interested in participating, I guess I didn't quite get the gist on how it's meant to work. lol

It's been a wonderful year. Y'all have met me at my lows and highs of love(infatuation/crushes/ love thots/ do's and don'ts/ cheesy stories....) and I'm truly glad to have 42 followers after one year. It may be a small number or even a big number but the caliber of people following and commenting here are very much deserving of much gratitude, because u're quite an inspiration and you're all just aweeesome.

Just so I don't leave without sum'n love related, I'd speak on Pee Dee Ay (PDA).

"Public Display of Affection".

I'm not an "ewww....PDA" sorta chic lady but there is definitely a limit to how much PDA is allowed. Uh huh....ah-laud!

It’s nice to hold hands, even though I prolly wouldn’t just cause I won’t feel comfortable. i'd be shy and for young couples, I think its just sorta cheesy...lol...that just my opinion. AGEs 40 onwards are permitted...yea, I know what you're thinking, "who made me judge?"

I made me judge! :p

lol

It’s nice to peck on the cheek especially when you just went over to the next store and came back, it’s even cuter (a short, "I missed you there for a second" - you're allowed to be cheesy for a few things...) or if she wasn’t paying attention and you come back from your short travel and surprise her with a peck on the cheek…#adorable (but could be embarrassing but I don't mind :D...gimme sum'n to day dream about at work or on the bus sometime :$)

It’s nice to hug for absolutely no reason at all, just cause...

BUT

Then, you’re salivating over each other and quaving touching inappropriately, its NOT appropriate. Yes, I have given myself the duty of a “PDA police” and I state the rules!!

Husband o, or not, “get a room!”

Please visit www.pdaappropriaterules.com for more details…J

So back to my blogiversary, do not be ashamed, gifts are very much welcome.

Have a blessed evening and a lovely weekend.

p.s: How many of you clicked on the pda website? don't lie....lol

God is watching you....hahaha....ok, I should leave now...lol

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pep Talk

Hellooooooo Blogsville....

I'm waiting on my friends who are spending the night over at my apartment to come home from their "date" so I can head to bed, which I'm not exactly in the mood to do but I figure I'd sleep since I pretty much have nothing else to do besides read my novel, which I might end up doing before I eveeeentually fall asleep. (yea, I know that was a long sentence, but that's how I actually said it in my head with no brakes, so I might as well have typed it out that way :D, after all this isn't English class)


So I was on Blessing's blog earlier on today and she was talking about the pressure, (to be fair, she didn't actually call it pressure but it kinda sorta is...) that family and friends are placing on her, re: boyfriend, hubby, settle down, growing old issue....and I feel the need to blog about it since I had thought to do so on Monday anyway.

So everyone has resumed the duty post of "settling down police", this is serious. I get that my mum wants to carry her grand kids (ok, I'm getting no pressure from her but it is a prayer point and she has once met someone who she match made me with in her mind...lol..and then told me about it later...how cute). At the start of the new year, my dad spoke to me about not pushing guys away, bla bla bla and mentioned how he was going to have a long talk with this so called price charming when he eventually shows up...lol. It was odd to hear my dad lead me on tho. I guess he's finally giving into the idea that his baby is all grown up...y'all shoulda seen him, tryna hold on to me yet telling me about moving on....lol. My grand aunt, figured we'd have a talk on bringing the right man home, so so so and then ended with prayer's, I remember this prayer particularly, "o ni gbe oko oloko o" (you wouldn't marry another persons hubby or not marry amiss sha...

Just this Sunday my dear aunty spoke to me about settling down, reminded me that I was getting old and there is still no boy friend not to talk of hubby-to-be. On Saturday, I was at a young ladies and women gathering where we were pretty much holding convo's on how to head in the right direction as a woman, in all areas of life, but trust now....80 percent of the gist steered towards men 98% of the gist was based on settling down with the right person, do's and don'ts before, etc. Several times my name was mentioned and the crowd stared at me. "H do you have anything to add?". At one point I had to say, "nothing I would like to share"....lol. I was in the mood to keep my personal life, personal and I could see the concern in their eyes...lol. One of my other aunties, more or less harasses me every Sunday, whilst another talks about taking me to Ekiti...#"the hook-up". Brrrrrrrrraaaake, people, marriage is an institution, I'm not entirely ready to attend. There's the meeting the guy first, I know and I am aware that I'm not with him, so why do people keep reminding me like I'm not the "other party", I would know wouldn't I? In fact, I should vex! lol...it's not the end of the world jo. The time would come and the right person would come along with it. There's no rush! (In my mind: SILEEEEENCE...crickets...) or is there? there's no rush jooo.

I admit there are times when you want to be with that special person, you're lonely etc but marriage to me is the biggest decision I would ever make. Whoever I choose would be my LIFE partner. I mean for my entire life time. Getting old or not, I'm not fena give in to any Tom, Dick or Harry. My aunty just got through a nasty divorce two years ago, she married cause she was getting old and she figured, the guy isn't so bad, yadi yada yada...She was 35. At 40, they broke up. I might as well just court for 5 years and say, "Bros, this ain't working, I'm fena dip, yo....peace" lol. I can still hear her words loud and very clear, "My daughter, WAIT!" (well and she continues with her stories, yes my aunt is a story teller....). She didn't even have to tell me to wait, I'm not dumb to figure it out after her experience.

Relationships are not for boys and girls, might I mention. They are for grown ups. I'm not going to settle with a man who doesn't know his self-worth. Who sees his value in the amount of money he has or the number and type of cars he owns. I'm waiting on a man with potential, one who eventually puts his potential into work because he has a big dream, one who can be content when he is fulfilled and not greedy that he loses focus and makes money his essence, one who has integrity. One who understands that his wife is one of his greatest treasures. One who understands the reason for his existence, places value on individuals. A man who loves God with all his heart because he has come to a realization that without God he wouldn't make it a minute longer. A man who treats his family with respect despite and inspite of wrong done. A man who isn't afraid to express his feelings to me. One who's knowledge and wisdom is constantly admired. A man who is humble, giving, respectful, calm, peaceful. All in all I'm not waiting for a perfect man, I'm waiting for MY perfect man. A man that admits his faults and let's us walk through it together.

I'm not asking for much :D

Till then, I would treat myself with value, because I hold great value. I would not reduce my worth because I am impatient. While I'm riding solo, I would enjoy the ride. I've got a great number of years to settle down but just a few more years to be single. When we tie the knot, I would have to spend my PMS days with a man, and he'd have to take it. My lazy days may require just a little more work so the family is still in order. My point it there are many more years to grow old and enjoy life with someone else, so what's the rush? Oh kids? yea, I had that worry before but they'd be fine. Some people get married early and can't have kids till 10 years after. There is a time the kids would come, whether you rush to get married or not.

God forbid that one rushes and ends up with a guy that would wreck her self-esteem, one that makes her consciously self conscious cause he has repeated to her time and time again that she is no good. A man that celebrates you, that listens when you speak, one that walks in confidence, "this is my wife" because he sees what no one else may see in you, is worth waiting for.
Again, while you wait, love yourself, treat yourself well, enjoy your life, feel complete with or without him, when he comes you'd complement yourselves. No one can show you how to love you, better than you, so go on...build your brand equity.

I believe, "H is worth more than a measly million dollars but her perfect man that fills her days with peace and unending love".

I'm worth a whole lotta luvn....!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Misty

I woke up with so many questions and thoughts and really all I wanted to do was go to church and not worry. Well after a wardrobe malfunction (my clothes are all too big), I finally made it.

Something happened...

...that completely crushed me, I immediately searched for my shoulder, Happy Feet and explained in detail what had happened...we tried to make sense of the issue but no sense was forthcoming so she said not to worry bout it and...anywaiz I decided to praise God regardless, like I had originally planned to, I mean he has done too much for me to ignore, without thanks, just because of one thing gone wrong.

After church, I thought about it one too many times over and still it hurt like a nasty dagger, shot through my heart...again, I kept forming odeshi for it but....You're probably wondering what it could be and thinking it's probably just someone who said something simply cruel blah blah blah....uhm...but NO, that's not worth a post or even a letter in a post...It would be only fair to carry you along and spill the beans but it would also be rather dumb, this might as well be an online secret diary and I'd be an anonymous blogger wondering the streets with absolutely no sense of moderation and discipline, so Imma just leave it at, something happened...that hurts too much.

For the past two years, I've cried like never before, and I can officially wear a "cry baby badge of honor". If there was a famine in my city, I literally would be a hero by now because of my great contribution to the harvest. Sounds good but its appalling. A part of me wants to say I'm in awe of how much I've shed and amusingly shocked at the quantity but truth be told, I understand these tears. I really do, but I don't want to cry anymore, I'm beginning to feel weak, even though I don't flaunt my weakness and deep down I know I'm very strong, although it's relieving, I don't want to continue like this. I know things would turn around for me and I'm confident that they would but right now, all I've got is hope. It's a hope I'm confident in, it's a hope that has delivered me countless times but based on the fact that to win, you must fight and to fight, there would be a war. I wouldn't be able to say I won, if I never fought, if I never persevered when it got hard...

Sometimes, I really just want to talk to someone about it, which I almost always do but sometimes the person isn't enough and I pick someone else that may be able to distract me from it all. It's an absolute lie, that a man can stand alone, without a friend or anyone to hold 'em up and be happy cause truthfully, we all need each other. It hurts when you think you can bank on someone though and they show you the door or couldn't quite care less, but whatever, we learn, right?

To take my mind off, I've decided to blog a bit, because my eyes seem to be getting too heavy to carry and I figure blogging would distract me till I fall asleep.

Btw, that was sorta the intro for the post. lol...pele...I know my posts are usually long but if I don't say it all at the time, I never may...I'm sowie, bear with me :D

It's imperative that I say this, I'm thankfully not short of friends to talk to, I spoke to happy feet and she...which wasn't too bad and there's my mum, but if I told my mum, she might worry and...., if I told my other friend, she would tell me to.....and after those, there are....who would....and there's one more choice, who just didn't care enough...and then there's you, who are always here... *big grin*#hugs

...and I sadly can't share it...I think I need to scream and take a vacation or something...thankfully once I wake up tomorrow, I should feel better.

I feel as though people are under the impression that I'm incapable of pain, because I don't show it, so they just go ahead and hurt me cause I'm for some odd reason, they pass me the vibe that I'm "indestructible" not that I'm destructible but I hurt, I'm human for crying out loud...there's a lot I can take, but somethings cut undeniable too deep, especially when they come from certain people. In the future, I'd probably refer to this post and tell you who it was but not what happened though....stay tuned...

When this phase is all over, I'd be ecstatic. In the mean time, Imma just brace myself, enjoy myself and keep on luvn...

*******

So onto blogging about what I had planned to blog about yesterday....

Actually, you know what, I don't feel up to the task, we'd gist next time. Love you...mwaaah!!!
and happy mother's day to all mothers reading. May your years be longer and may your children make you proud, always.

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