Saturday, March 12, 2011

When We Were In Love

It was a cold wet evening on July 22nd, 1992, I remember it rather vividly, I was walking back from dinner with friends when I hopped into a cab that I apparently didn't realise was parked with someone else in it. It was you. That day, your smile was imprinted in my head. To say that I didn't notice the body you had on you would be a...very huge lie.

Yes we had a brief conversation but all I recall is, "where are you headed? we could share the cab". At that moment I wanted to head in whatever direction you were heading but being a long night, I had no time for games. We said our good byes and I thought that was it.

Coincidentally, I bumped into you 3 months after and you looked even better than I remembered. I blushed a million times inside but I was embarrassed because there your were in you fresh shirt, fresh pants, fresh shoes, fresh hair cut and fresh smile. I say fresh because along with the throbbing of my heart was the word "fresh" ringing accordingly...on the other hand there was me, in my sweats, pony tail and all in all droopy look. I had just come back from a run....and whoah...I stunk.

Surprisingly, you didn't notice me, or so I thought so I stared a little and then remembered I had work to do, without further astonishment, I snapped back to reality. Attempting to walk away or rather run away, you beckoned me. Oh so much joy. That very moment, I stepped out of my rags and focused my attention on our conversation. Yes, yes, yes, I played so calm and carefree...lol...talk about a facade. The convo led to me releasing my number and from then on it was bliss...

We talked into the nights, took long walks, laughed at the most ridiculous things, in your absence I scribbled exes and ohs, (on a few old notepads, you would find the words, "I miss you", "I love my baby" with heart doodles in odd places), I smiled without reason most times and the day you popped "the question", I almost couldn't breathe..

**********

It's been 5 years since then and we've been blessed with a son and two beautiful daughters. Our children bring me so much joy but today I'd like to ask for one thing, if there is still anymore love left for me in you, allow me to take our kids with me while I leave you for a year or two.

These bruises are multiplying without pardon, my emotional pain is at its peak, if I were to take one more belt stroke, I'd be suicidal. I'm emotionally dead and physically weak, please allow me to take with me the only love I have left.

I have prayed for a miracle, I have waited for the spark in your eyes again, I have wished that one day you would look at me the way you once did, that you would smile at me with the love you once showed. I know someday we would be what we were once again but I also know today is not the day. This has to be a long nightmare and I can't wait to wake up, I'm choking!

You are drunk most days and high on others...I can't place the reason for the change, did I lead you to abandonment? Did I fall short of being the wife you hoped for? Is there a circulating rumour claiming that I am unfaithful?

It's time to drop my pen because it is likely that this page would be so soaked with my tears, if I move on, you would barely read a word. I need you to know that at this moment, I am far from you and forget the question on whether I could take our kids, the flush of painful, heart-wrenching memories forced me to question whether it was sane to ask you in the first place...I've decided to take them.

Goodbye Dave,
I'd be back in a year, two or three.

------------

Month 1:

She's goooone...woohooo
young girls over till morning, paid and sent home in the morning

Month 2:

Guys over with girls, now the house is pretty much a strip club and beer parlour. The den for cheating men.

Month 3:

Settling down with another young lady

Meanwhile the wife is praying her life away, "I want my husband back!" #tears/wailing

Month 4:

This chic isn't working out, at all
Good bye lady

Month 5:

Chilling and thinking a bit

Month 6:

She didn't leave me, that fool (wife) did not leave me!
Who would clean up my mess? Am I really to keep making my meals myself, I can't continue to order out. My bank account is running on reserve, who would watch the funds and caution my spending habits?

At this point, noticing only the things she could do for him

Month 7:

I miss her smile, her morning hugs, it's been years since she smiled.

Month 8:

Whatever went wrong? I'm numb, purposeless and empty. My vibrance is gone, my fullness, joy, comfort; all gone. That feeling of love I felt once is amazingly non-existent. I want it all back, cuz this guy here would die a very lonely death and that wasn't the plan. I once had so much life, now I'm slowly fading away, bitter, angry and pretty much drunk most times....what a waste of life

Month 9:

Picking up broken pieces, step by step. Reaching out to old friends who had tried it all until they finally gave up.

Month 10:

Finally revisiting my first love, heading back to church. I had a foundation, clarity, vision, purpose, unending joy there and as much as I feel unforgivable, I know God hasn't given up on me. I'm heading right back

Month 11:

Searching for ways to get his job back, while asking friends and family how to locate his wife, all to no avail.

Month 12:

A letter in the mail....

********

Many times a man needs to lose, to truly understand value and to experiment, to accept results/answers. I've found that men don't listen. Plain and Simple! I am yet to find a man who would "take your word for it", it's practically impossible, until they fall, stumble or find out by themselves, all efforts to convince them are a big waste.

I pray this never happens to any one of us, but then again we need to constantly and fervently keep everything else along with our marriages in prayer. Many of us get to comfortable with situations that we forget the reason for our progress and achievements. The Lord who gives can take.

Well well, to all men, the value of a woman is beyond rubies and pearls and to all women, the value of a man is beyond smiles and body.

I want to love in all essence that I don't get lost in lust but lost in true love. Not to say that his smile isn't cute or that he isn't fine or that I don't scribble exes and ohs....lol...(by the way I have done this,*blush*...*covers face and shakes head*) but it is the extra that keeps a woman praying for the one she loves and that extra a woman has that ensures a man realizes her worth.

Naity people,
I'm exhausted but I wanted to blog
*big grin*

11 CrushTHOTs:

In the midst of her said...

It's funny how we never now what we have till we lose it. Great post!

forbidn2us said...

this is actually a nice post.... i actually like it, even though it was discouragingly long. haha, we never realize what we have until its gone, but sometimes losing something actually sets you up for getting a better thing, right? maybe i am wrong, maybe i am right.


lovelife4sale.blogspot.com

and yes, Hannah (if thats your real name, lol), i just plugged your post. lol.

Myne Whitman said...

Lovely lovely post, will also be sharing it on twitter. Is this real or fiction?

@ilola said...

A round of applause for you. So real and so true. But as Late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya will say, when a man is beating you all the time, separate but don't divorce. Too many women have died from their husband's beating, we need to start taking more concrete steps towards reducing it.
I am glad the man finally came back to his senses, he would have never done that if she did not leave him for a while.
On the other hand, it is only an empowered woman, one that can take care of herself and her children that can afford to do this. If the woman was solely dependent on her husband for feeding, she will not want to leave with the kids. Another lesson learnt.
Thanks for sharing

doll said...

deep sturves.

H said...

thx ppl :)

Jaycee said...

Deep. I agree that many men don't take your word for it, until they experience something that makes them reflect. Only trust in marriage can shift this perspective. Spouses need to trust each others' words...and then, this kind of thing won't happen.

Blessing said...

WOW!!! Beautifully written sis!

PREACH!!!

That was indeed powerful...I wanna be lost in love also!

H said...

thx ladies
@Blessing, u're back...woohoo.

Jemima said...

what an awesome post just saw your link from Blessing's blog and you are an engaging writer..well done!

Lynn said...

Lovely post, a word is enough for the wise. If only all men can read this and appreciate the gift God has given them.

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